You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”