You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Well, my evening plans are ruined
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Always…
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No