the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.