My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.