Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.