I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Well, that should do it
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”