“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.