You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them