I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Happy Febuary everyone!
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Sex so good you see dead people.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.