I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD