I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*