These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes