These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
sensitive skin
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.