A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?