my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’