I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
You Might Also Like
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me