[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work