I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Accurate
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts