if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I cannot stop laughing at this
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.