my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Sign at work today
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first