In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
You Might Also Like
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
How does one answer this?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.