Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.