Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain