Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.