Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Friday
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
