Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me after eating Cheetos
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?