When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.