I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Y’all ready for this
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.