@brettminor
@JamieGreenlees Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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@JamieGreenlees 
@AngieDavisHaha If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
@PaperWash Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
@Dawn_M_ My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
@markydoodoo [rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
@BunAndLeggings My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
@OldUncleDaveO I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
@ItsAndyRyan The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
@TheToddWilliams *Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*