What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.


If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.


Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks


My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.


Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”


My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.


I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle


The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.