What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”