Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
So sick of all these stupid rules
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]