cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
You Might Also Like
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea