[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Best mom ever 😂
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Before & after 😅
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?