[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
How all things should be taught/explained.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.