How all things should be taught/explained.
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(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.