Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Childbirth is so beautiful
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
This hospital has everything
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.