This hospital has everything
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.