Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Van Gone
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?