Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Squirrels before girls.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.