Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
im all 3
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Discuss
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Saw online –