I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Lol #dogsoftwitter
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My blood type is coffee.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.