“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.