Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.