Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*