Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void