self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
not to brag, but mine was free
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
be careful
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?