I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?