I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Wednesday
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
LOOOOOOL
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
mechanics be like
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini