Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?![]()
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too