Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Why soy sad?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I think I’ll stand
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do