What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
March 16
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I need better friends
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
you gotta be faster
Aight bet
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
just got my engagement photos
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild