I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’