It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
groan^2
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.