Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?