[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Natural selection at its finest
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably