My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
You Might Also Like
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please