I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”