Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.