Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Meow
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
what kind of cook setting is this??
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.